A Name Game

I fully intended to sit down tonight and write about the courage of California Senator Barbara Boxer, who stood on the floor of the US Senate today and demanded, alone among her 99 fellow senators, that our government take notice of its democratic obligations.

I thought too, reflecting on Ohio Secretary of State Kenneth Blackwell’s plea that Ms. Boxer’s formal challenge to Ohio’s tally in the Presidential Election of 2004 was something “ludicrous,” how ludicrous it is for the person chiefly responsible for overseeing an election to be the campaign manager of one of its contestants.

I considered pointing to Paul Krugman’s Jan 7th editorial in the NY Times as the finest distillation of the absolute otherworldliness of the Bush administration I’ve yet to see.

Or to the collective moral abdication of allowing Alberto Gonzales to become the Attorney General of the United States.

Or to the continuing waste and insanity of our adventure in Iraq.

In the end, I decided to share something all American’s love –a little diversion.

Did you know a child laughs, on average, some 146 times a day, and the average adult only 4?
I’d hardly considered it either, and can’t say for sure if it’s really true, but I know kids will laugh at a lot of things adults take very seriously.

One thing kids of all ages have fun with is names. Even George W. Bush is widely acclaimed as a prolific nicknamer.

In that spirit, then, I offer one and all an opportunity to find a new name for the tumultuous times ahead.

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = poopsie
b = lumpy

c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = stinky
k = flunky

l = boobie
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = tulefel

u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = Oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your
new last name:

a = apple
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = burger
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle

i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = bubble
p = hamster
q = toad

r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your
new last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose

e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie

n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser

w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

From here on out it’s President Goober Chickenshorts, VP Buttercup Wafflechunks, Sec’ty of Defense Zippy Chickenfanny, and outgoing Attorney General Cheeseball Pizzashorts, got it?

The president’s closest advisor is Loopy Bubbletush and the chief architect of his defense policy is Dorky Bubblebreath. His National Security advisor is Zippy Cootietush.

His mother is Loopy Chickenshorts and his brother, the Governor of Florida is Lumpy Chickenshorts.

We are in Crusty Wafflesniffer!

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may–
your faithful scribe,

Zippy Applehead

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