October 20, 2007 by lonbud
Roll Over, Beethoven
Speaking on condition of anonymity, aides to unnamed officials at the U.S. Geological Survey confirmed recent upticks in measurable seismic activity from people spinning in their graves worldwide.
The USGS has been keeping so-called crypt-tic data since the early 1980s, when the Reagan administration’s purported small-government policies resulted in major increases in the size of government spending at all levels, and created the little-known Department of Ephemeral and Astrological Findings (DEAF).
“We recorded surges in crypt-tic activity right around the fall and winter of 2000/2001, roughly coincident with the general election and with the Supreme Court’s ruling in Bush v. Gore,” said one aide, who indicated there were notable seismic events throughout that November-December-January period up and down the Eastern Seaboard of the United States, as well as in isolated areas of France and Great Britain.
The first inklings of grave-spinning-related seismic activity surfaced in the early 1980s, when the Reagan administration’s massive expansion of federal defense spending spawned metastatic growth in the country’s military-industrial complex and DEAF officials noticed a clear bump in activity centered around Abilene, KS, the final resting place of Dwight D. Eisenhower.
“Abilene produced fairly constant readings from about 1983 through the 90s,” said one aide, “but we really noticed spiking activity beginning around 2001, and since 2003, numbers from that site have been off the charts.”
Virginia, home to the gravesites of severalof the so-called Founding Fathers (also known as the Framers of the U.S. constitution), including Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and James Monroe, has also been the center of seismic disturbances on a constant basis during the past seven years, though DEAF officials report unheard-of readings in the past month, as details of the Bush administration’s systematic abuse of the 4th amendment have come to light.
Significant anomalies in the seismic record have been observed at Philadelphia, PA, centered at the Christ Church gravesite of Benjamin Franklin, whose prescient comments regarding liberty and security have been roundly ignored since the onset of the so-called War on Terror. Of particular note was a major spike in the past week related to news describing the real-world ineffectiveness of the intrusive and byzantine airport security measures people have permitted in their quest for air safety since 2001.
“We’ve been pretty amazed around here lately,” said the DEAF aide. “It seems like the current political environment is more closely associated with correlations between current events and increased crypt-tic data than any other period since this office was founded.” He downplayed the threat of an actual earthquake as a result of the grave-spinning, however: “There’s a good bit of agitation, to be sure, and it appears to have increased in each year of the Bush administration, but they would really have to start rocking and rolling down there to cause an earthquake.”